NERDY STYLE

Me...

2010-05-17T10:33:00.000-07:00

Me... Its not easy to understand me unless ur in my shoes and lived my exact lifestyle.. But if urs is totally different, then, u wont be able to understand even half of it..

So if i dont have anione hu understands me, where do i fall? Hu picks me up?

My past has made me hu i am now.. Whats changed and what has not is with regard to whatever lyfe has thought me in the past.. Still, there are some things that cannot change..

Family...

The base of all lives, the start and the beginning.. Even if u dun have one, it depends on the ppl u mix with..

I'm not used to, no, i neva tell anione wads in my heart.. I dun jus blatter out everitin in an instant.. I choose the person properly.. When ur young, other then ur own family, hu else will wana hear ur daily activities.. I dont have that..

Whats the point?? Even i pour out on this page.. Will anione ever understand? No, they jus sae, "here u go again" or "its alwaes aboud u" or "u neva change"..

There are things that i cant do for u baby.. Like reporting or telling my daily stories or saeing i love u or i miss u.. Its sometimes even hard to sae sori.. Coz i neva had one whom i can do that to.. They jus become memories, locked away in one part of my brain.. Family is impt.. Frankly speaking i blame my family for this.. They left a huge hole that even 5 years of my time that i've been with u n notin has changed..

Thats why i feel lonely.. I'm pretty used to being a listener, then to be listened..

I wana make u "My family".. But i cant coz when i go home i dont see u.. Thats what family is rite?

I just hate this part of my life.. It neva changed.. I'm so used to this that i cant even remember the last time i cried..

Alas, this post is just for show in the end.. Coz everione's goin "Whats up with this guy?".. Simply because no one understood a thing i jus said..

self-discovery

2010-04-06T10:26:00.000-07:00

Self-discovery. To find out more about yourself. Physically and especially, mentally. Character, intelligence, social. I believe one can find these through their daily lives in every moment and activity. Games, being scociable, work, school, home.

So what if one finds out that his or her true nature is actually different then who they really are. When u know that ur the angry and hot-tempered type but after this self-discovery u find that ur actually a soft-hearted person?

What if your the decent, disciplined and 'follow the rules' type of person but actually u found out that ur the wild, party animal, kicking and going against the law?

What if, u are the easy-going, carefree person and actually u wan things done ur way n a very jealous type. sensitive?

The feeling where ur not bein who u wana be, bein this way coz ur forced to bcoz of ur nature, habit, environment n past life?

And when ur try to be hu u wana be but u cant. Why? Bcoz of this, bcoz of that. bla bla bla. And then u cage urself not bein able to let out the person u actually are. Bcoz u wana be a nice person and dont wana hurt others but actuali inside u hate sumtin. Ur eyes sore when u see it, ur brain aches when u think aboud it, ur ear burns when u hear it. Yet u keep it to urself coz u can
"forget aboud it n let it go" n be the "nice and understading person".

Do u noe how it feels? it sucks..... Then again.... What the heck can u do???? ur stuck.... forward is the onli way to go....

polaroid camera

2010-03-19T12:11:00.000-07:00

so i bought this polaroid camera for 150 bucks. fujifilm instax mini 7s. had alot of fun with it even if the film is a little pricy. me n my date had tremendous fun with it and we had our best picture. we both were like oh my god!!! hahahax.

hahax nice eh???

lots of jmtd. mtaw....

take the old make it new

2010-03-08T10:21:00.000-08:00

"take the old make it new", a phrase printed on the front of a purple converse shirt that i owned given to me as a b'dae present 2 years ago. if u noe aboud my story, most probably wadever i'm saeing makes perfect sense to u.

so far things are very2 stable. everitin that i need is enuff. but i noe i got to work even harder for my future coz i see alot of holes not filled up. its like losing a part or 2 in a bike and it affects the whole bike. still need to wait for alot of my goals. a very long journey ahead but i'm not heading there alone..... :) hahahax..

settled down

2010-02-28T09:49:00.000-08:00

i've settled down. i got my baby back. everitin feels relax n i believe i can reali take care of her well n also myself with the help of numerous ppl. yet there is still goals to be achieved n these goals nid tyme. so i gotta be patient. no doubt the wait is gona be a pain in my ass n soon the tyme comes when that goal comes nearer where it'll leave me in a cardiac arrest.

baby i jmtd u so much......... mtaw.....

alone after all

2010-02-23T09:31:00.000-08:00

yea, 2 IS better then 1. the fact that sum1 is alwaes with u. ur not alone. by ur side, guiding u, lending a hand. but one cannot deny the fact that certain things, actuali, many things, needs to be done alone.

i've been alone for a year n its been great definitely. onli prob was bein lonely. i keep havin the thought of hu to kol? hu to msg? hu to disturb? hu to hangout with? noeing that they might be busy n not wanting to be a disturbance. but no more. i dun feel lonely. i dun feel empty. like there's a hole in my heart. i feel warmth inside. happy.

but this does not change the fact that i'm alone when it comes to me. myself. my goals. my life. my health. my achivements. everitin. i pushed myself without anione's help. i took care of myself when i'm sick. lifted myself up when i'm down. smile when i couldnt. at the same time i helped others in need when i myself isnt in gd shape. i'm happy for myself. its hard but i have to accept this solid fact that i'm alone in the end. no one is responsible for me but myself. so, in the end, i'm alone after all.

the meet up

2010-02-12T09:54:00.000-08:00

it was one of those special meetups again. a meeting that i alwaes looked forward to but a meeting where i got to be very very patient due to its constant re-scheduling. n on top of that i'm the one that forks out the money. hahax. not that i'm complaining. for this kind of meeting i'm reali willing to do anitin.

Let me get straight to the point aboud this post. After the above paragraph, i've been typing n re-typing aboud the meetup. There is just so many things i wana type out but everitin gets jumbled up. I just wished i could re-experience the meetup over again n again. I have neva felt so comfortable for so long.

I'm searching for another who can make me feel the same way but perhaps u are that onli special one?

bein by ur side is just a slice of the whole cake. i want the whole cake. love n hugs. *tear*

money

2010-02-08T09:23:00.000-08:00

yep its true my frens that money makes the world go round but also not everitin u can buy. rite now the things i wan CAN be bought. jus nid money man. gotta cut down on sum things. hmmm...

then again i too wan things that cannot be bought but i do not know whether to start now or what. i keep having this mindset that i'm not ready. but till when? maybe i shud try? i duno.

alot of things to lookout for within these few months. perhaps it is time to be serious.

love

2010-01-29T09:51:00.000-08:00

love cannot be explained. thats what i thought. after some toking with 2 frens of mine. they explained what love is like n then i realised i've experienced it b4 with a certain person.
which explains why i keep thinking aboud her every single day without fail. leaving me smiling n happy but also depressed and sad. the reason why my heart keeps pumping like its gona fall off its place ani moment everitime i ran into u or noe i'm gona meet u. i loved u n i still do. reason why things didnt go well was my incapability to overcome my own problems n burdening them on u.

i cant explain it to u coz it'll jus confuse u n make things diffcult for u. so i'll jus keep it to myself. it makes me happy that i've actually loved u n be able to experience it. aniwaes i dont think i'll see u a very very long time. perhaps not at all. then again its been quite some time since we last met. so far i've onli heard of u n seen pictures of u. i believe ur doin pretty well. jus busy n pushed to the limits.

if i had the chance to get back to u. i would n i will. i wont wait for u bcoz i'll jus hold myself back on certain aspects of my life. haix. thinking back i'm a stupid bastard afterall.

another light

2010-01-17T08:07:00.000-08:00

sometimes, i wished life was different. my life. certain changes that i would like to have. perhaps a cool dad n a mum who is a good housewife. everitin starts with the parents in the family. i jus wished that if my parents were abit better then they are when they got together then everitin would have changed. then my life wouldnt have been so, u noe, dull. everitin seems black n white rite now. notin seems to be stable. everitin is a mess.

so i'm trying to straighten sumtin on myself. but i cant think of one. perhaps my personality. my character keeps changing. i cannot accept when sum1 sae i get influenced so easily bcoz THEY DONT FUCKIN UNDERSTAND ME. everitime i hear sum1 sae that i jus wanted to hurt them. my persoanality changes bcoz i'm able to adapt to my surroundings, to the people i hangout with for example at home n school. its totally different. n as everidae pass by, the more people i meet the more personalities i gain.

there is this one personality that everione seem to want me to change. its hard to explain. i wont sae its my cowardness. myabe it is but in my point of view its this personality where i dun wana hurt anione. i have frens who like to show whose boss when they're with me. oredering me around n sorta like bullying. but i dun defy them bcoz if thats what makes them feel good, i'd take the heat. bcoz i dun wan ppl around me to feel sad or down or depressed. but the problem i'm facing is that sum of these people ard me, i find it hard to approach them. like my family. if i see my mother cry, i'm scared to consult her, to lend my shoulders. i duno why. i'm not close to anione in my family. i'm closer to my frens.

but even towards my frens, i couldnt approach them the same way bcoz i'm missing sumtin. its sumtin like u when fall down and scraped ur knee n ur parents come wiping ur tears n take care of ur knee n be dere for u even for such a small thing when u were young. my parents tease me. make fun of me.

so its jus another light in my life i wished i had but i didnt regret this life i'm having now coz i got a feeling its gona get way better. :) cheers......

bcoz i was lazy

2010-01-12T09:46:00.000-08:00

ARGH FUCK man. haix. missed haris b'dae. no wonder i got a few missed calls that dae n sum calls which i neva got from b4. n i didnt pick them up nor bother calling back because of a stupid reason. I WAS LAZY. shit man. ARGGGGHHH. cant get this of my chest. feel so bad. i feel so screwed. if it was my other member's b'dae, i'll literally get screwed. haix. i nid to get it for him. but its not easy to find. or shud i get sumtin else? sumtin more... healthy? aniwaes, i hate myself for this. haix. (tears)

2010-01-09T00:52:00.000-08:00

sum1 actually understood me. she could've broken my barrier but i didnt allow her to.i didnt want her to. she's actualli sum1 i expected would understand me long b4 but onli now did i open up but a little to her n what she said was no doubt true. but how do i change when the whole of my life i'm brought up with this kind of mindset? i wasnt meant to do anitin that was said by her.

i hate to sae it but i had to pretend when she said i was sad. cover it up with a smile n a laugh that didnt even mean it. i'm able to that. y? coz 18 years of my life i've been doin so. i am a jumbled up complicated guy inside, telling ppl another story of hu i am. but i've been so used to this life that i'm able to act like my life is perfect and move on. its not easy to understand me. even if i told u the hook n crook of my life. u still wont understand me.

ppl can sae that he or she can understand me n has been dere b4, but if my heart n mind was adjusted with a loudspeaker, it would have said 'FUCK OFF, u don't'.

alrite thats aboud it. hahax. :)

progress report

2009-12-21T01:54:00.000-08:00

christmas is in 4 daes time n a week after that its the new year. many of us will start thinking of our goals in the new year n wishin for a great year ahead hoping to leave behind their ugly past.

well as for me, there is no such thing as an 'ugly past'. because without it, life has got no challenge, experience will remain little, maturity has no growth and many more good things can come out of an 'ugly past'. jus be optimistic. that's hu i am.

my goals are still on its way into the making. right now my life is pretty stable and awesome. but i believe wad i have now is not enough to have a proper independant life which is my utmost goal. until then, there are certain choices i believe that i am not ready to make.

i'm not opening to ppl like did b4. i onli choose a handful of ppl who i would impart my thoughts n feelings. bein secretive has been a new perspective to me. bcoz wads the point of everbody noeing everitin aboud u? aniwaes its fun to keep sumtin a secret n lie. beating around the bush and not gettin to the point.

alright thats enough. quote of the dae~

strength n weakness. neva look down on anibodi with regards to their weakness bcoz u neva noe wad their strength are that would completely sweep u off ur feet.

2009-10-21T02:19:00.000-07:00

so todae i woke up with a call from di asking to meet up and lepak. i got up, bathed and then she called saeing 'nvm la afiq.. u can go back to slp...'. i was like cb... hahax.. its ok. she helped me wake up aniwaes. so afterwards i went to eat breakfast apparently shocked that my dad's home n nt at work.

ok then with breakfast finish, watch tv a little n i called this person by the name of bernard. firhan gave me his number if ever i wanted to ask for ani job openings. so i called n got 'rejected' twice bcoz 1st he was busy n 2nd he was in a meetin saeing he would call me back. so i've been waiting. aiyo.. carik kerja pun susah. mcm biskut.

read blogs, listen music, learn sum songs on the guitar. hmm.. if my dad hadnt allowed me to use the com i'll be half dead. so i duno what to do next but like the start of todae, i'll jus go with the flow.. hahax.. so all in all todae is, was and will be boring. oh well, jus look forward to tmr then. hahax.. chowz..

(forgive, forget, move on)

the onli thing i can relate to..

2009-10-20T09:10:00.000-07:00

my blog. its the onli thing i can relate to. which i can rarely excess. even as a guy and sum1 in my case. i still need sum1 to alwaes be dere for me. my family has been crossed out. other then that i have no one hu will be dere for me. people sae i'm weird.. immatured.. stupid.. n stuff like that.. hahax.. onli bcoz they dun understand me. everitin happens for a reason n i blame no one n not even myself. if this is life i'll face it. i wont hide in a hole no more. no more will dere be a time where i'll feel helpless aboud it. i already know that i'm on my own.

i felt otherwise once upon a time when my ex was dere for me. she was the onli one dere n alwaes been dere for me. hahax.. but like she said.. guys dun think. no argument there but like i said everitin happens for a reason n when it comes to matters of the heart, sometimes u cant find one. i feel that i'm crawling on a pool of shit but i know better that there are people out dere n happenings shittier then mine.

my problem, i figured after thorough thinking, is being able to be with someone whom i can be myself n more. i do not have a family, people whom u wake up to everi morning and be able to be urself and sae anitin or do anitin u wan. instead, here i am looking for a person like that outside this house i live in. it is ironic. its sad. its depressing.

frens, brothers, colleugues can come to me, patting my back, saeing i'm here for u. but i dun see them everidae, i dun wake up to see them, n they're too busy with their own family, work, n sch to alwaes be dere for me.

thats why for me, i am alone. no matter how much i dun wan to be. thats what i think u call being strong n takin the path of reponsibility n being able to stabilise n balance urself. n last but not least to be mature.

at times like this where it is hardest to smile n easiest to cry. well i'm smiling now. bein able to let it off my chest thru my blog everi once in awhile is reali a score for me. u dun get complacent over it and make full use of the chance.

oh yeah i went to my ex's open hse. hahax.. the faces that sum of her cousins n sum uncles and aunties gave me.. totally not welcomed. no worries there. i can totally understand. but yet i wondered why didnt i walk off from dere? stepping on the grounds of her hse gave me a flashback of the past. i couldnt walk away. i wanted to stay there forever. but i knew i cant. i'm notin more then a lost memory. the unwelcomed feeling gave me the strength to walk off from there. i've realised my image has gone down quite a few notches n made no impact in my presence there.

i'm strong. i know i can take this. even more so i could. it hurts again n over. many times from different people n different stories but i know i can take it. sumtimes even my closest frens tend to make a joke out of it. i'll jus laugh but inside it hurts. badly. i dun blame them nor myself for tellin them. i'm used to it. but sumtimes i wished i neva told anione aboud anitin. then again its bad for health. hahax. grass is alwaes greener on the other side ehk? hahax..

aqilah. the gal i like. i never thought it'll take awhile to get over her. hahax. what a story. i got high over my head n fell to the ground so hard. she is the reason why i'm starting to think twice aboud opening myself up to people. oh god. what a way to lose myself. its an embarassing way of learning things the hard way.

two quotes to end this post.

"He(God) wont give u anitin that u cannot overcome"

"the latest bloomer is the most beautiful flower of them all"

the 1st quote has been guarding my path in lyfe for awhile now... thanks to CT.. :)

untitled

2009-10-10T01:17:00.000-07:00

so... my appeal didnt get thru.. i gotta talk to my dad.. my mum wants me to re-apply.. but maybe i'll take nursing.. or sumtin.. i duno.. dun laugh ppl..

sumtin unexpected happened.. i had a long long chat with a certain sum1.. i enjoyed it wishing it was like that b4.. she's stronger.. i can feel it.. but one thing hasnt changed boud her.. others come 1st b4 her.. i thought aboud it for abit.. n this was wad i concluded.. she is the kind that tries to help others, tries to change others n never reali think boud herself.. for me, i'm the kind who changes myself 1st b4 i make an impact on others.. if i wan others to be happy, i myself shud be happy.. i come 1st b4 others so that i can impact others in life.. this is the difference in character btw me n her.. i feel that she is a little low on self-image even if she does believe in herself.. but i believe if she keeps in contact with me i can change that in her..

other then that i liked it when while we're talking n explaining our sides of the story n duno how to explain sumtin, we'll jus sae 'well u noe how i am rite?' n then we'll now exactly what each other meant.. hahax..

another story is diyana.. she is damn sweet.. i dun dare sae this face to face with her coz i noe i'll get slapped big time so i'll blog aboud it.. hahax.. DIYANA IS DAMN SWEET..

orite other then that i'm jus looking forward to chalet.. woots!!! NJOY CAT!!!! chowz..

back frm KL

2009-10-04T23:23:00.000-07:00

KL was... honestly damn boring.. bcoz 1st of all, i wasnt close with anione.. i didnt get to talk to her.. none of my close frens were there n on top of that she jus wanted to be frens with me.. luckily she told me.. sum sort of uneasy feeling she said when bein with me.. hmm.. i wonder if its got anitin to do with my past.. oh well.. i thank god for not lettin me put hope in her.. i did a little but not to an extend that breaks my heart although it does hurt.. alright then.. another chapter has passed.. jus need to inform my frens here and there.. i got one less thing to think aboud.. n quite a few other things to worry aboud.. school, my parents, my future..

aniwaes on the bright side, hmmm.. i cant see anitin on the bright side.. kinda sad right? hmm.. i duno.. reason why i didnt mind her saeing so was because i feel i wasnt ready.. i got no school, no job, nothing much to offer..

i feel like i'm playing a game of chess.. i think aboud all the strategies but i'm not moving anitin.. i'm thinking alot and doing nothing.. i cant let that stress me up.. n i wont pretend.. i gotta share with sum1.. i guess this is it.. the main part of this post is aboud her.. i'm gona be fine.. dun worry guys.. hugs n loves.. looking forward to chalet.. i guess... :) hahax..

another chance to post

2009-09-25T10:32:00.000-07:00

woohoo.. hello blog readers.. been awhile ehk? hahax.. soon i'll start updating this blog again aite.. due to certain events n bla bla.. yea.. so.. life's been great.. i duno why but i've been extra cheerful nowadays but i feel great!!! i dun wana explain the details now.. maybe next time.. so everitin's fine.. gona got out with the gal i talked about in the last post this tuesdae.. hehex.. then wednesdae would be my poly mates.. WOOHOO!!! n then KL on fridae.. she'll be goin too.. yea.. hahax.. n then the week after we're gona go out maybe jus the 2 of us n then erm... oh ya chalet!!! she'll be dere too.. haha.. i havent reali talked aboud her to anione at all.. not reali.. coz i duno why everione seems to be looking for a gal or looking for a guy.. n they'd rather have sum1 to listen to them then have themself listen to others.. i havent been observing my frens.. been having alot alot of thoughts lately.. so i didnt reali noticed that sum of my frens are having probs till i kinda thought aboud it.. lately i've been sleeping late, listen radio n lying down.. thinking n thinking.. mostly of her.. i'm gona fall for her i noe it, but i duno.. its jus too early n i've been stopping myself.. one last thing, i duno whether its me or the people around me... but its seems or rather i noticed that my frens actually think highly of me.. they see me as sum sort of a special fren.. i duno how to explain this.. i'm not proud nor am i flauting it.. but i see myself as a pain in the ass to others.. i think that i'm worthless.. i feel that the advices i give n the stories i share are not relevant nor usefull.. yet they alwaes seem to think otherwise.. saeing that i'm this n that.. i duno.. but what i noe deep inside that wadeva i had offered to this ppl, i gave them my all n with full sincerity.. n sum of these people i love them as hu they are.. yes love.. i cant explain it but i noe the feeling is dere.. they are the reason my life is colourful.. full of all kinds of feelings.. from sadness to laughter.. okok.. i'll end it here.. sum people mite cmplain my post is long.. chowz... hahaxxx...

a chance to to post

2009-09-04T05:54:00.000-07:00

not been blogging for certain reasons i lazy to xplain
life has been alright if not for the occasional shits that happens now and then
there isnt much for me to blog
coz i've been thinking aboud wad to post but not bein able to type it down in my lappy
but everitin's fine and i'm able to cope with them
probs are scattered everiwhere but everidae there is alwaes fun n smiles n laughter

i'm seeing sumone
hu accepted me for whom i am even after i told her everitin aboud my dark past
njoyed bein with her
but i refuse to hope too much although i noe i want to
n to be with her for the right reasons
she's not showing any obvious signs
but thats ok coz its still early
jus wana spend more time with her
she's a sweet sweet gal that i wan to treasure deeply

so that's that
lookin forward to my next outing with her and chalet on 28th september
gona be damn freakin awesome... haha chowz..

on holidae..

2009-08-23T03:09:00.000-07:00

i wont be blogging for awhile.. i got alot to blog aboud but then i'll pass for now.. soon aite..

another chapter

2009-08-09T23:25:00.000-07:00

so this is how things are.. fate? or my own actions? one thing's for sure i havent learnt my lesson.. it was a shock to me when i woke up yst morning.. my future dimmed.. i could feel it.. my dreams shattered but then i duno even if i had a dream in the 1st place.. dare to dream ehk?? well i've been thinking that i've side-step sumting important which comes with learning a lesson.. which is difficulty.. the difficulty to restrain n discipline myself from things or doings that will effect me badly or to what i have.. everytime i see a difficulty i took a turn.. facing another direction.. so now, things are gona change real bad.. 1st step is to let my dad know aboud it.. 2nd is what to do with regards to what my dad's gona sae.. i have to put aside my friends for now.. its not gona be easy but i feel that i've been complacent towards themm n taking them as an advantage.. i wanted to be independant.. n i still want to n i gotta work for it now n not depend on anibodi n rather let people depend on me.. this was my dream.. independancy.. to be able to stand on my own 2 feet with the weight of the world on the shoulder n yet still be able to walk proudly with my chin up.. dare to dream.. but right now i'm not even a step close to that dream.. it stopped a few years back.. it is time to process it back.. but things are gona be different.. its gona be hard and i can oready imagine.. my 1st counter is my own dad.. i'm afraid and i am scared and i have no one to turn to.. so i'm alone.. i gotta face it now or i declare myself a coward.. this is how things are and they not gona be the same next time.. by then i'll ask myself again.. fate? or my own actions?

P.S. to my friends some of u might and sum of u might not know wads goin.. but please dont pester me on the subject bcoz i will tell u when the time comes.. but for now, maybe we might not meet for awhile.. keyword 'might' coz i'm not reali sure myself..

ahh good..

2009-08-05T21:11:00.000-07:00

well seems to me everitin's goin fine.. a little bit of crap in school.. other then that notin much.. that person found sum1 to love.. good.. the thing is.. hahax.. i duno.. seems to me that things are gona change for me.. not now.. but soon.. i could feel it.. but i dun mind waiting.. for one thing i'm sure of.. my friends are always with me.. my lovely diyana and his going-to-be boyfriend haiqal.. hahax.. happy u both are close now.. i jus nid a little bit more discipline.. jus a little bit more.. then everitin will be jus fine.. not great but jus ok.. actually i duno wads the best thing to do but i bet going with the flow and reacting to the current situation will be a good thing until i've searched for sumtin i can hold on to.. i gotta mention aboud this girl named sherlyn.. sum1 i met thru the internet.. been a nice person to me.. cheering me up n stuff like that.. but the thing is i've never met her b4.. as in face-to-face.. we might one dae.. in the meantime lets keep in cntact aite.. hahax.. things between me n my parents are ok although there is a little bit of tension.. but i'm tokin to them even if a little.. not goin home late n informing them if i'm gona be late.. but lieing is still a fact right now even if i've tried cutting down on the lies.. well.. studying is still no a thing for me although i noe i can capture things prettu well.. jus that i feel the want to study.. i wonder why though?? i wan sumting more practical.. thats why i thought of ite.. but frens disapproved of that.. i guess i gotta try.. aniwaes poly life is freakin fun.. even if i dont have the looks to attract gals.. hahax.. slacking with william most of the time.. n omg that guy has the general knowledge as large as the ocean.. he noes practically everitin.. CPA n motorbikes and stuff.. learned alot from him.. i hope i can follow him back to indonesia one dae.. heard the food there is amazing.. n kids the age of 12 goin motorbike racing.. damn.. life in singapore sucks.. there u could like find a career at a young age instead of looking for a gal here n ruining her n ur own life.. jibai.. oh well.. i still miss my lovely gal.. the honda super4!!! oh my god.. the sexy body and the low rumbling sound of her exhaust drives me crazy.. god damn mai.. my dream bike will always be in my heart.. everitin i see her on the road.. i'll jus stare n drool.. hahax.. giler punye org.. fasting month's coming.. n halfway thru my exams that is.. aniwaes the post ends here.. i wish everione the best in their life n hope mine to be better.. hahax..

to CT: i hope i didnt think too much.. mengidamkan ader arh.. hahax..

making mistakes

2009-07-31T05:40:00.000-07:00

i'm afraid to make mistakes...
i'm afraid aboud the outcomes of a mistake.. especially major ones..
but i noe i shudnt..
bcoz making mistakes helps one learn n be the better person..
besides no one is perfect.. everione makes mistakes..

giving it a thought though...
if i didnt learn from my mistakes and correct it..
thats even worst then making mistakes.. sumtin i shud fear instead..
hmmm... am i gettin thru to anione???

how life has been..

2009-07-29T17:23:00.000-07:00

well... currently b'dae jus passed so i AM a legal smoker.. not flaunting just proud of it coz i was kinda waiting for it for a while.. to not feel scared to smoke in public ya know..

lets go to the topic of school.. school has kinda been like hell for me.. not goin school n stuff as usual.. it came to an extent where i got debarred.. lecturer called up my parents and my dad resorted to scolding vulgarities at me.. well i'm used to this shit but i lied down on my bed n think thru things.. i thought i cant be like this for the rest of my lives.. so far its been kinda difficult.. feeling tired all the time.. jus attending class from 8-5 and not even paying attention is already this tiring.. n i have to study n stuff.. dammit.. its tough rite now.. waking up in the morning is starting to be a habit even on sats and sundaes.. its stressful jus thinking aboud school n all the things i have yet to do n projects n hw n attendance.. so its jus that.. i gotta do it no matter wad but i'm taking it slow yet its not enuff n i kinda noe that.. but...

next up, friends... i got 3 circle of frens.. hermanos, slackers n poly.. each one have been there for me.. each one making me smile n laugh n brightening my dim dae.. i owe them.. n i njoy talking to them n blogging aboud them nonetheless.. each of them have open up their hearts to me.. sharing their burdens n problems.. understanding each one.. advicing and helping them.. i am blessed with these good friends.. bcoz right now they'll all i have.. but i noe deep inside my heart i'm lookin for one i could confide in.. someone who i can reali rely on.. sum1 i can love.. share my life with.. someone whom with i wouldnt repeat my mistakes again.. i'm willing to wait.. for that certain sum1.. n i hope that certain sum1 comes soon..

the camera is sumtin i paid for.. u dont get it do u.. jus stop talking aboud it.. its stupid.. its not worth talking to me nor arguing with me aboud the camera.. so stop blogging aboud it.. n tell the whole world that i'm a bastard.. if i am, i'll hurt more then jus one person other then u.. stop judging me oready.. dont think u still noe me.. so forget it.. right now even i feel its worthless to even type out this paragraph aboud u.. but i jus have to make my point.. STOP IT ABOUD THE FREAKIN CAMERA.. it ends now.. n settle the freakin bill.. ur wasting my time.. change the name or cancel it then maybe u can save enuff for a camera since it means so much to u.. n make it quick..

orite then.. thats aboud it ppl... for now...

before i'm 18

2009-07-23T06:58:00.000-07:00

been awhile since i blog.. had no intention to blog due to certain reasons of my own..
but tonight i decided to blog aboud how my life has been b4 the past 17 years of my life becomes a memory.. life started as a young boi.. naughty and mischievious.. alwaes causing problems here n there n giving those probs to my parents.. n my parents in the other hand, who have never been in good terms as long as i could remember.. kindergarden was forgotten.. primary school not so exciting.. my 1st crush in primary school.. the girl named atiqah.. it became a memory n secondary school became the present at the age of 13.. met my brothers haris and aslam n azzrul on the 1st dae of school.. 2 years passed with me flirting around.. remembering my nerdy self.. chasing after gals.. mostly chinese.. hahax.. i made close frens.. haris especially.. i remember arguing with him n having fights.. now his my closest best brother.. the one n onli person i could jus be myself without ani hesitation.. the person hu made me n my ex's relationship possible.. n those time in NCC.. the camps, the times we had our trainings.. the tears i've cried n things that i have done wrong.. n those that are right.. many many memories flowed in my mind.. from happy to sad.. n then comes the biggest chapter in my life.. secondary 3 where i stead with my 1st girlfriend.. hawa.. a relationship that was balanced over my mistakes n immaturity.. not understanding n not thinking b4 doin leads to a very very broken heart.. 3 years i spend my time with her almost everidae.. happy memories and sad ones.. regrettable memories and grateful ones.. n learned many things from that relationship.. so i thank you.. 3 years i've spent with u but i did not regret it one bit.. i am grateful to u.. i wont forget u.. after breaking up.. i met many different people.. each one i njoy being with.. each one teaching at least one attribute about life.. i will like to mention each one of them but there is jus too many of them n i'm afraid i might forget sum of them.. n they have supported and be dere for me when i need help especially in school where its been kinda hell for me.. but they're alwaes there for me.. but yet on this night i dont feel sastisfied with wad i have.. something was missing.. my wish for b'dae is just to be a legal smoker.. other then that i didnt have any other hopes.. and i find it kinda sad and ironic.. thank you all those hu know me.. forgive me for all my mistakes.. all in all, life isnt so bad after all n in the end u'll actually find that ur all alone.. happy b'dae to me...

ScHoOl

2009-06-28T08:56:00.000-07:00

so like tmr's school man..
2 weeks holidae i feel that i had a whole level of fun
everi single dae
including what i have learn and experience, frens, new brothers n not to forget the foremost importance which is self-discovery
the 2 weeks for me have been well spent in my point of view
but nid to find job still haha
my brothers are there to support me
keep tellin me to think positive n let go of the past
especially towards ganesan... u help open a new mind concept..
not to forget others like hamid, aslam, haris, martha, arvin, shaiful, haiqal, farhan, di, yasir
thank you guys but if i seem to forget anione u noe i appreciate the help u've done for me
haha... the end of the 2 weeks holidaes for me... time to look forward n be serious..

now that the truth is out

2009-06-26T09:15:00.000-07:00

i wont forget u..
i appreciate all that u have done..
things that u have taught me..
ur care, ur concern, ur love..
i never regretted bein with u..
all those sweet memories..
my heart yearns for u
for u to come back to me
but what ever happens
whether u do come back or not
i will not forget u
u will still be in my heart

Face the music

2009-06-23T22:08:00.000-07:00

I finally did it. I faced the music. This whole time I realised I was hiding it from myself. That the truth is there in front of me but I chose to ignore. I didn’t want to face the truth. I wanted to be the good guy. I saw how immature I was. I was disgusted. But the truth can’t wait forever. That was the truth. But my feelings are still there but it’s too late. Anyone will think that those feelings were fake, based on regret. Yes I have already said it one too many times. It won’t work again. That’s how it is. I have to live with it. This is a sin that shall be my, past my present and my future. Shall it reoccur? I do not know. A mistake I shall and should not forget. I cannot be forgiven. I will learn from it but never forget it.
It is too late. But if I was given the chance to be heard n say what I want to say. I would have said this:
“I have learnt many things and everyday is something new. It’s been 2 months or maybe more since we broke up. I have faced the music n reveal myself to confront it instead of hiding like a coward. I feel guilty like never before understanding your pain and morale and everything that u hold. How great is that hurt u feel I do not know. This guilt will never fade. It will scar me over n over again. Yet my feelings for you grew. I could see all my mistakes and how to solve them. I waited for you. But I did not give myself much hope. I waited. I was willing to wait in my silence. I told others a different story. But inside I was waiting for you. For you to be in my arms n be your man. I love you. I love you. You hate me but I still love you. Every time we had a conversation I wanted to end it with those three words. But I know very well I cannot do so. You say that there is no need to refresh our relationship but I believe I can. My heart says so. No matter how much my mind keeps telling me ‘it’s too late’. My heart says I can win u back. I love you.”
I know it’s too late. But this is wad I feel. I have no more words to sae. This ends here.
P.S. I’m sorry for everything.

chalet

2009-06-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

so i'm back from chalet

2 chalets 4 daes 3 nights

started on fridae which was farhan's chalet at sentosa

reached there at night bcoz farhan's family booked in at 7

place kinda ok i cant sae it was boring

had fun smoke laugh etc etc

best part we lepaked near the beach under the stars

there was haiqal, yasir, farhan, fadhil n me

made jokes had a good laugh

n then the all of us except fadhil had a talk by the water

talk different stuff aboud our past

brother to brother talk

n then they slept

i was the last to sleep so i was awake

it was onli a dream of me wantin to sleep under the stars by the sea

n that night that dream came thru

haha i was kinda happy, no i was very very happy

been waitin for that time for a long while n managed to live the dream

slept at aboud 4 haha

all awoke at 7 had a swim in the pool at the chalet n off we went to yasir's hse at yishun

n dozed there for abit

1st time i met yasir's mum n his 2nd sister

it was the sister's b'dae thats y they makin a chalet

at downtown east pasir ris

woohooooo

took a van there

supposedly there was more then 3 of us

the others couldnt make it aiyo

onli me, haiqal n yasir
but di made it!!!
thx di for coming aite

although at nite u abit siao

pillow fite with me all

i think u reali nid pills uh.. HAHA!!!

n we saw di's mum for the 1st time n yes it was kinda awkward

there was yasir's sister's fren that the 3 of us aimed

damn HOT

but 23 years old

hmmm.... haha...

i neva reali bothered... MCM PAHAM...

haha... aniwaes it was fuckin fun... the food was good.. the ppl were nice.. haha...

n then on the last dae went home at aboud 3 or 4

went back to yasir's hse at yishun

lepaked for abit n finished my van nelle

then went to lepak at fajar

all were there

haiqal, yasir, me, farhan, apai, zakkiyah, hanafitri

n 2 other joined us n if i'm not wrg their names are sasha n hidayah

lepaked n had fun

there was a scene in one of the apartments in the block near us

but we kinda ignored it although scared at 1st

n then home i go

bwahahaha

2009-06-17T08:13:00.000-07:00

bwahahaha... todae was okok dae
met up with haiqal n di at lot 1
lepaked for abit
saw my primary school crush atiqah
bwahahaha
waited for yasir
n off to fajar
kecoh siol
apai, haiqal, nas, zakkiyah, hana, farhan, yasir, me
fun sial
havent even chalet this fridae
so gerek oready
bwahaha
lookin forward sial
WOOTS

i was changing in my mum's room
my eye caught a picture of my grandmother whom i neva met
mum told me she took care of me n my brother
if she lived a little longer
n i was able to get to noe her
will i be who i am todae?
perhaps a different person?
i'd like to meet her
perhaps in my dreams...

spoiled bread

2009-06-16T09:20:00.001-07:00

todae i woke up n declined 2 invitations to gym
one by my elder brother n haris
too tired haha
sori bros
lepaked with haiqal, yasir n di at alif
went back home then off to woodlands for my religious class
my aunt told me a disturbing story
went back home to meet with haiqal n his fren
had a good talk
n the home

wadever happened has happened
i cant do anitin aboud it
but get over it n get goin
u dont eat a spoiled bread, u throw it away
realise my mistake n do sumtin aboud
make a difference n do nothing aboud it
learn, apply it, do it
two disturbing n mind provoking stories todae
my aunt n haiqal n his fren

2009-06-15T07:06:00.000-07:00

watched movie todae with firhan, farhan n d (diyana)
called me last min
had to rush to west mall n watched ghost of girlfriend's past
gerek shioi
went home lepak with biking members
thats aboud it
chowz..

P.S. d u scared the shit out of me.. ass...

2009-06-14T08:08:00.001-07:00

todae had da family outing
hehex so like actually didnt wana go coz i wanted go for kendarat n g 50 bux!!
but i noe i cant coz we've planning the outing for almost a month i think
furthermore not many of my cuzzies came down but in the end it worked out
there was zul n fifi n kak lala n kak ani n kak nana n others
jus opened my fresh butterfly gulung
fuh nice siol
hope this can last long so i wont need to spend so much
had fun throughout
went back ard 5
zul came to my hse to borrow my RA3 game cd
then we went out to lepak for abit n gulung
met my biking members then off we went to alif to eat at bukit batok
zul went home
kimak over there we had the laugh of our lives
super funny n all are lame jokes
n as usual i became the screw machine
went home at aboud 11
n so thats that for my dae
heheee.....

move on

2009-06-13T08:53:00.000-07:00

i gotta move on...
i'm not moving on
i'm opening my heart more then using my head
i have to move on or i'll be stuck here
give me the strength
plz...
i have to release me from myself
i keep looking back...
i have to look forward..
i thought i'm doin good but obviously i'm not
i keep looking back...

2009-06-11T20:03:00.000-07:00

exams are over.. lepaking time...

but i nid to work man.. i nid a stable one throughout poly life..

had a job n i screwed it up

waa sianz

any employer to employ me?

i'm still young for network marketing

n i noe without a doubt my parents will not support me

i dun have cash

i dun have a job

n i'm not even 18!!!

god dammit

but this network marketing has the potential to help me i noe

but i fear wad i lack is commitment

____________________

its not easy to understand others

wads more if u dun evenn meet that person occasionally

n reali cant do much over the msgs n calls

wads more if that person doesnt open up to u

n its alwaes u tokin aboud urself n ur stories n blah la blah

n the other partner keeps quiet n listens n gets accustomed to it

the talk becomes one sided

its not sharing

its story telling

where one talks n the other listens

that is why i call people down to meet so i can understand them more

but i can understand that sometimes ppl's way of thinking

that if u meet then something's goin on

like ur asking that person out for date id its a gal

those of the same sex is easy

but of the opposite its not

i can see other's mistakes

but i cant seem to see mine

i keep correcting them

n i forgot aboud mine

wait more like i dun even mine existed

so how do go aboud seeing my mistakes?

hmmm....

its not easy trust me...

2009-06-10T06:39:00.000-07:00

so todae was DEL paper

when school at aboud 11

hahax ate at home and my gulung butterfly

MUAHAHAHA

had farhan n firhan teach me DEL

DEL was fine i shud be able to pass

firhan's fren got caught by HSA

waa sianz

had the joke of the dae by william

tmr last 2 papers

abit more

once the clock strucks 5.30

its holidaes!!!!

muahaha

1st exam

2009-06-08T07:35:00.000-07:00

1st exam todae

APPG

alamak no confidence i think like cannot make it

sianz nvm cannot do anitin

TMR MATHS

got confidence

cnfirm can score

morning met with firhan to smoke

AMACAM GULUNG AKU POWER PE!!!

hehex

studied lepak tok2 have fun

lepak with diyana n my riding members

went home at 8

thats aboud it

sleepy though now...

gulung still rox... but i nid butterfly

waa shiok

2009-06-06T08:23:00.000-07:00

todae was kinda happening

started off at 7.30 in da morning

went to mosque to have a prayer class (sum sort)

finished at 9 met firhan at school to go gym

met lionel otw n had a talk aboud ciggs n alcohols n especially gulungs!!!

haha

met firhan smoked n showed him my gulung

baik kepe bo!!!

went gym n fuh nice siol my arms hehex

then we had gay sex in the men's toilet n showered together... NOT!!!

haha

we jus compared bodies hahax funi siol

then smoke n had fun n listen songs

went home

suppose to meet up with martha n zaphira

lepakz for abit

but cancel

then diyana called ask go marina oso kena cancelled

haha in the end ganesan hse

there i gulung 3 perfect rolls!!!

WOOTS

firhan beat that shit

watch taken n never back down

played dota

talk talk

waa haris pro oready

his gal n him so mushy

CONGRATZ MY MAN

it paid off in the end didnt it haha

went off with hamid to meet diyana actually

alamak sianz then cannot coz nid lepak with bike members

dere i kena groped alamak sianz arh

i become the screwin machine

again haha

then we met up with zakkiyah

tmr more plans hehex

go aunt hse for an IMPORTANT discussion

then meet diyana study APPG

insyallah

diyana lain kali jek kite gi pantai arh dok.. sowie.. :)

but overall

MY GULUNG PERFECT ARH

swee bo

I LIKE IT

P.S. shit arh i out of gulung nid to buy!!!

losing control

2009-06-05T09:36:00.001-07:00

i can feel it

i'm losing control of myself again

i can feel the complacency n ignorance creeping up on me

the laziness, the naiveity n the thoughts the whirls n twirls in my narrow mind

but i ask myself

wad was the reason?

wad izzit that spark these godforsaken thingies to multiply even more in me?

i was in control n i knew it

but wad happened?

nid to take control again

n if this happen again

i'll be on high alert

n spot out that cause

aniwaes

i passed my gulung

AND GULUNG ROCKS

i dont like ciggarettes oready

hehex

roll ur own tobacco bebe!!!

BUTTERFLY HERE I COME!!!!

Move on

2009-06-04T20:16:00.000-07:00

move on

sumtin thats not easy if u do not let go

a disappointed past that lingers in ur heart n mind

confronting that past without moving on is a challenging thing

u keep confusing urself with wads right n wads not

wad to be done n wad to ignore

u may ignore or forget that sumtin for many many years

but if u do not move one from that past

no matter how much time has passed be it eons

that past will neva ever go away unless u move on

n when u do

instead of mourning over it n gettin disappointed n sad

u smile n u learn from that past

n apply to ur future

so that it wont happen again

if u do not move on

u cannot repair damages that has been created

close ur heart n use ur mind to think

then things might go smoothly

move on.....

scary

2009-06-01T19:46:00.000-07:00

yesterdae was a little shocking for me

but i dont wana tok aboud it here coz well...

i dun wana tok aboud it here!!!

but it was a first time experience

was shocked n shivers all over

oh well but i hope nothing bad came out of it

other then that exams next week

sianz

nid my hp back

nid my contacts n kip myself busy

yep thats aboud that

haha..

"away on holiday"

2009-05-28T23:24:00.000-07:00

gona be MIA for quite awhile

its difficult for me to contact my frens

school n home stuff making me busy

so to all hu noe me

i'll patch up things with u guys but not soon

chowz!!!

2009-05-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

todae was firhan's b'dae n i didnt get him anitn

my other classmated bought him pizza hut

happy b'dae firhan, happy 18th b'dae

todae after my last lesson that ended at 5pm was the 1st time i didnt skip class for the whole one week

notin could bring me down todae

was supposed to go bugis with firhan celebrate his b'dae

but i remembered need to lepak with my biking members at 7

n aniwaes diyana ask me to lepak with her

wanted to go with firhan n sheesha

but then him n zul was like go with diyana la blah blah blah

made my decision go with diyana

wanted to see my biking members after one long week

miss them alot la sia

as usual lepak n playing poker cards n smoke with diyana n talk talk

as usual i lose like duh

played a new game called 'stress'

primary school game

GEREK LA SIAL

i quite fast i admit hehex

play poker lepak smoke fo awhile waiting for cibai farhan

wait so long in the end still at school

ccb!!!

meet up with haiqal

haha

haiqal said diyana was pretty

haha diyana kembang siol!!!!

diyana went off buy maggie haha

me n haiqal went off to woodlands meet han

we had a talk in the bus

jibai long time neva meet

he more lame then ever haha!!!

but fun arh

meet him farhan n yasir

happy siol

super happy

lepak summore

smoke play poker cards

then i went home

haix

reached home

alamak all sleeping

good siol

ape lagi pakai laptop ar sial

go on msn

alamak

chat with ppl

all got problem

alamak gua sian arh

gua nye temperature naik la siol

its alwaes problems aboud couples

sial la

complication la

wad la

fed up la

but all my close fren i'm willing to help

at school oso

everiwhere couple problem

gal wan guy

guy wan gal

gua fed up sak

but i try to help

but sumtime reali frustrated

irritated

tkle angz

especially when i'm tired

fuh lamak

go in one ear

half of it go out the other ear

but i learn many things form them

alot of things

n what i learn i treasure it badly

n when the times comes for me to go back to where i belong

i'll noe wad to do

n not make the same mistakes again

but i'll neva noe

haha

still so many ppl to meet

n make frens

hmmmmmmmmmm...

thats aboud it

P.S sorry hidyah if my post long haha

part n parcel of life

2009-05-20T10:08:00.000-07:00

what does it mean part n parcel of life?

everitin u do, sae, see, touch, hear?

the feelings u have

the changes u make

the thoughts that reels in ur mind like a movie

problems u face

hurdles u have to cross

big or small

memories

bad n good things u did

izzit jus all that?

maybe i shud include religion

frens

family

what is life?

what is the purpose of life

the ans can be seen from countless point of views

but we ask ourself

we wake up in the morning

we sit up look at time

take our towels n walk into the bathroom

find the mirror n see ourselves

we ask ourselves

wad am i doin here?

hu am i?

why arent i sumwhere else?

why cant i be that riched spoiled person at beverly hills?

instead i am here in this house

do u ask urself these questions?

humans are interesting n disgusting

look around u

look at the people

what are they doin?

hu r dae?

why are they there?

we work till the very last drop of our sweats

the spill of our blood

n the ache of our muscle

we grow

we learn

we develope

n then comes the peaceful sleep

then we ask ourself

wad have done in our life?

has it been meaningful?

was it fun?

was it boring?

how many enemies?

how many frens?

funny i came up with these thoughts

bcoz i see us as humans that are so different in our own ways

the ignorance in us

taking things for granted

wad is beautiful is appreciated

how boud the ugly?

the good are rewarded

the bad bein outcast

i'm disgusted at times thinking aboud these

but i'm not perfect myself

i have done all the above

yet its human nature

cant be avoided

why are we so lucky to be in singapore whereas others are being tortured in other countries?

who are we to not realise the incidents n tragedies that are happening outside?

while we sit at the comforts of our home

njoying a cup of coffee n watching tv

busy with our careers n our everday life

mistakes we make everi single dae

a fresh mistake every second

mistakes that leads to disappoinment n everitin that seems negative

when do we learn?

many questions

each with a million answers

n when we get the answer that we want

we regret

we yearn to travel back in time

we cry

we get angry

we explode

we show emotions

desperation

n our true colours

quote:

"actions speak louder then words"

action does speak louder then words

but both words n actions can be deceiving

so how do u trust sum1?

thats up to ur own intuition

come to think aboud sex

male n female

i would like make an inference haha

guys have 3 things n gals have 2

guys: mind, heart n dick

gals: mind n heart

most guys use their dick to think

but dont use their mind n heart

sex, sex, sex

thats where bastards n jerks come in

u can sae i was one of those

gals use their heart more then their mind

they follow their feelings

if not their feelings

then the feelings of others

if thats the case others come 1st b4 them

n not so much on logic

thats why they like romance n love

but there also sum exceptions

but its gona be damn long if i explain

this is my view so dont take it too seriously

coz i'm a guy hu thinks a little too much at times

so i guess dats aboud it?

yea i guess so

so chowz

hmm..

2009-05-20T04:10:00.000-07:00

so i've been MIA for awhile

i didnt go school for a couple of times

n my teacher kinda called up my parents n they got angry n blah la blah blah

ended up me fon got confiscated

n a few other stuff that is not neccessary to mention

oh well its my fault entirely

but i was in school although i didnt go to class

n half the time i was studying in school while waitin for my frens

had a couple of witnesses though

but then the swayness got the better of me

i'm used to gettin my fon confiscated coz its been happening to me lots of time

i keep my contacts in my book

n i dun mind contacting my frens for awhile

but i got to noe its troublesome for them when they cant contact me

sorry guys

try not to make the same mistake i made over n over again come to real life the next time

which makes me think aboud my past again

haix super sian

but neva mind

past one week i've been lepaking in school, bukit timah, bukit panjang, hougang

with firhan n diyana

n sumtimes others will join

this week firhan is kinda busy coz his 18th b'dae comin up

so its been me n diyana onli

play taiti, smoke

alamak she good sia taiti

win me 17-22

super duper sian keep losing

i got irritated then burned her hand

haha i got cursed by the great 'BUTO AR KO'

alamak then i paiseh big time

haha

but bored uh like notin to do all

CT comin soon

lost contact with haris, martha all

alamak sway

nid to look for job

its onli 8 daes after gettin my allowance and i'm broke!!!

nid job ASAP

filled a form at 'shop n save' at jelapang shoppin centre

said they will call me

bah confirm cant get sia

sian nah

nvm i try at school

6.50 per hour

damn shiok

but IT helpdesk uh

neva mind la still got money

maybe shud sell myself to ppl

see how much i'm worth

HAHA

nid to study nid to study nid to study

aiyah

for those hu nid to contact me plz contact me

sumhow....

life has been fine

jus empty at times here n dere..

P.S. how boud u...?

religious class

2009-05-13T09:04:00.000-07:00

usually every tuesdae n wednesdae i got religious class

reading the Quran

my aunt teaches me how to read

i call her cik mar

she is sum1 admire

everidae she is alwaes busy

reading the Quran n waking up at 3 in the morning everidae

n she teaches me n my siblings on different daes at different timing

n she has her own religious class

she reads till she has sore throat n no voice

n she is alwaes tired as a mother of 4 n doin housework n stuff

yet she could still find the will n time to teach me my siblings n doin her everidae work

thank you cik mar

i'll pray for u that u win the Quran reading competition n be able to go to umrah

insyaallah

2 daes ago i was with my frens lepaking

diyana was dere

n she told me i got no commitments

yes i agree i have no commitments at all n i thank you for reminding me

but i have been attending her class everi week for the past few months

n i'm willing to commit to that

thats aboud it i guess

hope i didnt miss anitin

"on the way down

i saw u

n i finally fell right through

i wont 4get the way u loved me"

2009-05-12T08:32:00.000-07:00

ahhhh life has been good

everitin's fine

i njoy spending time with firhan n haris all the time after school

had rock climbing after school

this time there was firhan, iftikal, zul, diyana n farhan

the session was good

fun

but sian kena low attendance oready

waa siao i tot i onli skip once or twice

fed up uh with this mails from school

haha to dae got my allowance

no more sian oready liao

my 1st own pack if ciggs after weeks

waa k siao wait so long

sian bo

benson & hedges

smooth n sweet taste

love it

paid back sum money

blah la blah la blah

i seriously duno wad to blog la dey

but yea i still njoy looking at myself in the mirror n bein able to smile at myself

it helps alot when i feel down

i'll jus smile n chuckle n sae to myself 'ur doin good'

reali makes my dae

haix

but at times super sian arh sia

wan to watch movie with sum1

preferably a gal

notin special

jus as frens

but hu wans to?

walao till now no luck

damn sian

SIAN ARH BOI

aniwaes other then that things are doin fine for me

but yea there are many things i miss

but i'm willing to give it time

perhaps one dae.......

haha

hehe haha hoho

2009-05-08T09:06:00.000-07:00

so i didnt blog for a couple of daes

after my rock climibing (RC)

i had strains in my arms

so painful it brought tears to my eyes

like a sharp dagger poking put from the inside of my arms

i couldnt wash my butt man!!!!

i had probs flexing my fingers n doin daily stuff with my own two hands

wearing clothes n stuff

haha

but u noe i was able to learn sum stuff

like if i was doin sumtin n my arms hurt

it means when i'm doin that certain sumtin i'm actually using that part of my arm

n i was able to infer that if i positioned my arms in a certain way n it didnt hurt

it means i'm not using that certain muscle

cool observance ehk?

haha

2 daes later my arms were fine

jus nid to be careful when i do exercise n stuff

i'm that weak n get cramps easily

past few daes i have learnt sum stuff

i didnt go school for lessons but i still lepaked there

i've learned stuff like the natures of the opposite sex

both male n females

everidae i learn certain stuff aboud life

reading others blogs n listening to others problems

for example a while ago i was with my cousin

fifi AKA afiqah

alwaes meet up n talk aboud stuffs

i learned sumtin from her

she said that guys alwaes bastard gals but dun even realise it

that sentence punched me so hard

made me realise

are guys that weak?

this 'guy's nature' thing is like so unfair

n there is one more from shahirah from my school

she said if a guy loves a girl there is no nid for intimacy

n that punched thru me too

n i thought wad i've done

these things that i've learned reali has sum sort of impact on me

i gradually learn n understand them

n i agree with my cousin sister, farhana

i call her kakak nana

she sae that i am still young

that dere are still many things ahead of me

but there is also many things that i wan right now although i noe i can have it later

in the future

had a good talk with her too after ngaji on wed

i slowly understand aboud life

firhan has thought me alot

so has many others

aslam

haris

martha

hamid

these people

the hermanos

the canteen crew

each n everone of them has thought me

how to move on

live life

yet i feel that i havent move on

bcoz i could not help with the guilt i have inside

that i have done things so bad

bein a bastard

backstabbing

n the foremost i didnt realise i was doin it

the things i've done

i havent got over it

so i cannot sae i have moved on

but i am glad i noe now that i have hurt that certain sum1

atleast i noe

i'm hapi with how i am now

i'm glad i went thru all that i had

i feel peace

i could control myself

although lacking discipline

able to close my heart n use my mind

i am hapi.....

"everidae...

is so beautiful...

suddenly....

sudden breeze...."

2009-05-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

todae i lepaked with my classmates

skip 3 classes

but jus for todae

played dota

n as usual i was owning

standard arh

but i was waiting for rock climbing

we did the high wall n i think its called 'boulder'

whereby the tiles were slanted

i tried n tried

n i did pass the 'boulder'

once onli arh

haris neva pass haha!!!

had wounds in my right foot

n then the high wall

i was too tired

my arm was aching

such a shame

i could have done better

thurs there is one more

haha

shiok arh tak bole angz

met zikrie

n others n made new frens

then lepakz with haris n his frens

they played soccer n i watched

thats aboud it for todae

fun

2009-05-02T23:37:00.001-07:00

yst had a dae out with firhan, diyana, farhan, nasri

went to bugis

it was fun thru out

i expect me more outgoings

hehex

with more ppl

best part of the dae

is when it was jus me n firhan

had a good talk

i feel its the best way to end the dae

kept smiling throughout the journey in the bus

haha

unbelievable

2009-05-01T07:57:00.000-07:00

todae was a fridae

had to go prayers but i didnt

instead i watched 'sex is zero' with haris

had a laugh of our lives

aslam joined us too

then i when for a ride at chestnut drive

wow the houses there were wonderful

very nice n damn beautiful

built with swmimming pools and stuff

it was uphill all the way but i managed hehex

mind over matter

met up with the riding members

farhan, yasir, haiqal

decided to cycle till lakeside

n guess wad we ended up at vivocity!!!

kimak my legs like babat over white hot charcoal

but the expericence was excellent

felt like i achieved sumtin new

sumtin different

throughout the dae

thoughts ran through my mind

many things

there was one point when were at jurong

i was tired so i was at the back far away from the others cycling slowly

i felt like i was sumwhere else

sumwhere i wanted to be with a special sumone

watching the stars

n then suddenly i was like

snap back to reality

n i was laughing

the irony i told myself

n off i went to chase the others

i feel light right now

a little dizzy n shagged of coz

but i wana touch on a subject

aboud bein sure aboutd sumtin

like at one point u decide on sumtin

n then the next dae u changed ur mind

we can sae its like indecisiveness

everidae when u go out into the world

there are alwaes changes

changes in surroundings

the people u see

the things u hear

the things u do

so one can expect in the changes of their thoughts

to think differently

but yes

saeing so means that person is not certain of what he or she saes

n maybe so that person cannot be trusted with words

with the experience i had

i might be that person

makes me be cautious of what i sae

n now there are things that i keep

unlike before whereby i just shoot n tell

mind over matter

think n not give in to the emotions or bodily feelings

like boredom, tiredness, loneliness

wait for the right time to tell what u feel

i feel lonely even when i'm with my best friends

n i can be my utmost self

a quote if i may from sumone's blog i read

'love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness'

could love be the answer to my loneliness?

i cant answer that qns

bcoz i didnt fight for love before

i let it go n left it behind

if my ans was yes

then i have jus held the gun in mmy mouth n pulled the trigger

if my ans was no

then wad is the ans to my loneliness?

i was told the love isnt sumtin i was lookin for

it was knowledge

yet i did notin aboud it

i do not noe wad i was lookin for

wad was i searching for...

if love n knowledge is not wad i was looking for

wad is it?

i looked at myself in the mirror

n asked myself

hu r u?

a bastard?

r u a bastard?

i wished i didnt see my reflection in the mirror

because sumtimes i cant look at myself

i feel ashamed

i have sinned

i have done things that are reali out of this world

sum of them i didnt even noe i was doin

i cant shake it off

but am able to think more now

i'm able to put aside feelings and emotions

n think of what i've got to do

wherever i am

i decide that i shud not give in to the matters of heart easily

n use my brain

i am not good with words

but i still try

that is me

thanks for reading this post.....

'america's suiteheart

i must confess

i'm in love with my own sins'

2009-04-29T07:47:00.000-07:00

i had a little bit of prob waking up this morning

but ok arh

i was able to eat n take my own sweet time

n went to bukit panjang plaza

to deposit sum cash

check2 the machine out of order

alamak suay arh

then go skool late

n da math teacher capalong me

waa like want to slap that clown teacher sia

keep smiling like chi ko pek

looking at him gives me the heeber-jeeber-jeebees!!!!

n then went to meet latifah n zul for lunch

then met others like arai n iftikal etc

then met firhan

go smoke

blah blah

in the end it was jus me zul n william

then tok crap

zul IS A LAZY ASS SHIT CRACK A JACK!!!!

me n william wants to go lepak at orchard n that guy lazy

spoiler

met haris at aboud 4

supposedly to go donate blood

but check2 i not 18 yet

alamak leceh aaah

mintak kene chapalong arh

met my sec sch friend

ernest

we talked over a stick of marlboro menthol

he asked aboud stuff

n i tole him a little

n he talked aboud discipline

sumthing guys shud have

sumthing i'm working on

thx ernest for the talk

met hidayah n her fren

n had lunch lunch at kfc

had a laugh dere

went back school to watch

the history boys

i like one quote from that movie

that goes sumtin like

'love aside, education is next best thing'

another quote was

'what a woman knows or does not know is still a mystery to me until todae'

me n haris agreed on that

afterwards hidayah went home

me n haris lepak n smoke as usual

went home n had a nice shit

literally shit

haha

oh ya

4got

we had a smoke n firhan was dere

n omg he smoke a cigg by lighting up the cigg butt

it was damn funny sia

'i bleed it out, took it deeper n threw it away'

chowz

2009-04-27T07:07:00.000-07:00

i am happy i have made that decision

yet i feel guilty

i feel wronged

but if i dun do it

i keep doin the same mistake

over n over again

disappointin over n over again

i'm tired of it

having that argument

it seems i cant do anitin right

everitime i noe we're gona meet or contact

i feel sumtin in my heart n soul

like a certain nervousness in a bad way

a bad feeling

its alwaes like that

but after promising to myself

i will forgive n forget

i neva felt it animore

everidae it felt better

jus had to look at myself in the eye into the mirror

n smile at myself

n i feel absolutely good

i have learnt many things

but i fear n am terrified to do the same mistakes again

mistakes that has done many bad things to other ppl

n i dun even realise it

n i still do right now here n dere

i feel that at times

i use too much of my heart n body instead of my mind

time to open my mind

n start using my brain!!!!

haha

p.s if your reading this

i noe my words will not change anitin

but with my utmost sincerity

this is my last thank you for everitin

there will alwaes be a star for u up in the sky

thank you....

2009-04-25T09:09:00.000-07:00

a saturdae

supposedly to be spent with my frens at yewtee to play soccer

couldnt wake up

my body was chest n arms are still aching from gym on thursdae

n i went cycling last nite n slept late

it was torture waking up in the morning

told haris i too damn tired to come

n as usually i get fucked up

then i slept till 12

woke up still damn damn tired n restless

watched tv

bathed eat

n then certain plans were cancelled

so i went to play games

very dull dae

met my frens n lepak-ed

smoke n play poker cards

talked n laugh

n then i tot of goin cycling alone

but i was too tired

my arms still aching

go home

laptop

veri veri dull dae

haha

chowz

forget

2009-04-23T05:55:00.001-07:00

forgetting

sumting that is sumtimes not easy

start from sumting so small

like a stamp

to a huge soft toy

the most impt is the memory

the mind

n the strength

i will not share wad izzit aboud

to anione

sumtin i will hold in myself

until i've found sumbody suitable

i will destroy it

that memory

that thought

i will do as i can

n i promise to myself

that i will forget it

that i will not rely on anione

that i will not do stupid things

that i will act rationally

do wad i can

none shall know

i will keep it to myself

no one shall know

i will forget

i will forget........

2009-04-21T06:39:00.000-07:00

DAMN i havent been typing in my msn password for one year

n i forgot my password

so i created a new account

add me up at apiko91@hotmail.com

the sway-ness i tell u

but that didnt let me down

todae was kinda "new"

i neva reali studied as much as i did todae then i ever did b4

till i got tired at the end of the dae

n...............

i saved my $$ KA-CHING $$

onli spent 3.20 todae

good ehk

coz this morning i ate nasi lemak arh thats why

haha

then can tahan longer wor

aniwaes i wana noe how to dance n groove

coz every time i hear a nice piece of music

my body jus wana move to the beat

but i'm not entirely confident of my dance moves

i wana learn pop n lock

usually i'd jus go sumwhr quite n then move to the beat

like in the lift

n groove n move to the beat

damn i loved that moment no matter how down i feel

every morning after bathing in my bath towel

i'll jus look into my mirror n then i rhythm will pop in my mind

n i'll groove n move to that rhythm in my head

haha

n then i laugh n laugh at myself in the mirror

every morning i'm happy i could look at myself

n smile n laugh n move like its the best dae of my life

a wonderful way to start my dae

n at times i feel insecure or down or hurt or pain

i'll pick a rhythm n start moving

dancing grooving

wadeva shit la

i love it

my body jus moves by itself

nyiahahah

me loves its

likes alots

nyiahahahahahaha

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.........................

2009-04-18T09:50:00.000-07:00

i talked to a fren on msn todae

was tokin aboud goin out alone

aboud goin out shoppin alone

like ur on ur own

a loner u see

this was sumtin i used to do

to ride my bike n go out

riding n rounding

my favorite place was near dairy farm road

near bukit timah hill

i prefered places that were a isolated

like nature

parks n reserves

n then i would stop awhile

njoy my surroundings

feel the peace

makes u think n reflect

actually i dun think

i jus njoyed the calmness

bcoz when i'm alone

i feel like i'm independant

like i'm free

ridng my bike with the wind against me

makes me smile

i feel at peace like notin can go wrong

it was a very long time since i did so

so last nite i did it

i took my bike

n off i went out

rounding in bp

i tot of goin dairy farm but it was late n dark

so instead i cycled near lights n ppl

it cleared my thoughts

made me smile

made me feel at peace

but then i felt lonely

so lonely

thats where i called farhan if he wants to meet up

n then meet up with hawa n my members

had a talk here n there

i thought it was a night well spent

coz in the dae it was boring

school is starting

at last a career to keep me occupied

n a mindset to do well in my studies

n new frens to make

2009-04-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

fuh i'm tired tonite

tired inside out

many things to endure

sweating inside out

i nid to fight emotionally n physically

wad shud i do next

i'm tired

nid to be distracted all the time

cant wait for school

surely will keep me occupied

haha

i will not try n change animore

i will be hu i am

tired of trying to change

jus nid my self control n patience

but i wont be impatient aboud the wrg things

too tired oready

time to forget it

i jus wana c how things will last

what extend shud i go to keep distracted

haha

many things to do

many many things to do

to get distracted n help me with my probs

remove me from probs

tired....................................................

nid to keep fit

mind n body

chalet

2009-04-17T09:03:00.001-07:00

it was a tues afternoon on the 14th of april

i met up with haris n teck sheng to pickup the bbq stuff from fajar sec

n we went off to lot one to wait for the other 3

aslam kishaan n hamid hu were buying snacks

so we met dere n off we wen to tampines to meet ganesan

n everione was pumped to get to chalet

it was at changi village

aloha changi to be exact

a few minutes from changi village

and it was located on top of a hill n near OCH

once dere we checked all the rooms

at 1st it was kinda creepy

but then got used to it

it was fun all the way

bbq n playing cards n fooling around

puts ur mind off stuff it reali did

but to me the most memorial moment

was the 1st night in the morning

we shared all our stories

our own stories

haha

other then that

there was soccer

that was damn fun

n the 2nd night damn damn tired

so like haha

shiok uh overall

must make more like this

pics will be at facebook

here troublesome uh

chowz

2009-04-13T08:21:00.000-07:00

i do not know what to think

what to sae

i feel that my mind processing is slow

it takes me awhile to understand sumtin

i have to start my school career

n pick up the pace that i have lost

but i want things to go slow

so that there is time to think

n patience to build

my patience is built but onli by a few layers

a dae passes by through sheer boringness

n i react rashly to things

n there is the matter of self-control

i have improved yet it was not enough

humans are weak

n i am ashamed to be human

i hate myself veri much at times

reacting without thinking

reacting to impulse

humans are useless

in this blog i wan to puor out everithing i feel

i hate my family

i hate them very much

especially the ones that gave birth to me

i feel like not forgiving their mistakes of lettin me into this world

i have lost sum1 hu could understand me

hu care for me

like how a mother would take care of the son

but bcoz of them i lost this important person

i lost a great deal in my life

n i am stuck here

inside a cage

where darkness creeped at every corner

where i am trapped

waiting to be freed

to the outside world

which was full of light

hu can understand me

hu else

i'm workin alone

things that shud be forgotten were not forgotten

things to change neva moved on

n i'm stuck here

with hurt

pain

when i happily planted those emotions into sum1 else's heart

to understand sum1 whenu cannot understand urself

how is that?

isnt it stupid

i am not ready

but i reali want sumtin

why am i so weak?

wait i noe hu to blame

my parents

wait are they?

hu else can i blame

they taught me nothing

but anger

revenge

pain

hurt

tears

what to explain my reactions when i'm not happy

to venge on sumtin that was innocent

i have made many mistakes

yet there is nothing i can do

except move on

but how do i move on

i made mistakes over n over again

if oready stop making one mistake

i'll make a new one

n then i disappoint

n then i hurt

i irritate

frustrate

venge

yet it is that one thing that i've done all this

that gave me life

calms me

soothes me

everthing i sae

leads back to sumthing i have done or said in the past

leaving me to nothing

nothing to convince that i wana change

that i will change

bcoz what i did in the past left a scar

everitin i do

everitin i sae

will sumhow lead to that scar

imagine a honey comb for bees

which has many holes

i am in one of them

n the other holes are for others

yet i want the comb for myself

am i bein selfish?

bein caring

i find it not easy

i did not care aboud sumtin i loved

so if i cared now

it wouldnt make a difference

would it?

bcoz its used to how i react to it

when sum1 leaves in a house for like the whole of his/her life

n then suddenli that person was told to move houses

that person wouldnt want to

will reject that offer no matter how big the house is

no matter how luxorious

if a person's been rejected almost all the time

will that person reali get used to it?

that person can smile

but the eyes pierces ur heart like a hot flaming arrow

n then u feel guilty

see how weak humans are

maybe i'm weak

whatever i blogged ironically

wil be used against me

i have no doubt

but will they ever understand me?

i doubt that either

i'm still hurt n pained

yet i care n loved another

whom i received the pain n hurt

but why cant i endure depending from the pain n hurt i gave

why cant i be patient

i hate myself

why do i show care and concern at the wrg time

why am i at the wrg place at wrg time

WHY?!

WHY????!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK U

FUCK EVERIBODI

i wana bash sumtin into bits

i hate this i hate this

but i havent feel this way for the past one month

I WAN EVERITIN BACK

put it back where it was

arrange it dun change it

GOD DAMMIT

why do i still feel insecure

there is still unsaid matters that i cannot describe in my heart

part me from my body

let me be in peace

where is that quiet mind

that boy hu didnt care aboud anitin

call him back

chasing after gals

bein called a nerd all the time

call him back

he was strong

n smart

jus not socialized

i wan him back

plz

come back

i want to shout into a cave

n let it echo back to me

i nid my school

a career to distract

sumthing

sumthing to read

to study on

essay

come back to me my heart says

ur not ready says my mind

i love you

ur eyes show me pain

hurt

yet ur smile deceives ur eyes

ur tired

i love you

why didnt anitin fall to plan?

promises

words

presence

care

concern

i will die for u

there are still unsaid matters

i'm sori for the hurt

i hate myself

expect the unexpected

bcoz it will hurt

n i dun wan to fall into the same hole again

things are slow but i'm not patient

i'm sori

n i love u

forgive me

FeaR

2009-04-12T10:15:00.000-07:00

i couldnt sleep
every single night sumthing bothers me
i think of stuff i do not understand
of religion
of love
of life
family
frens
of her
i came a cross a blog whereby the owner used his blog as sum1 to tok to
hu talks to the blog like when ur tokin to a fren
i wan sum1 to listen to me
understand me
but i believe that no one will ever understand me fully other then myself
every single night i stayed up thinking
what have i done?
what do i do?
what am i gona do?
past future present
there is hurt in my heart
there is also pain
there is love
n happiness
which do i seek
what do i do?
who will provide me the answer?
who will show me the way?
its like having a car but u duno where to go
a food bazaar but u duno wad to eat
no.... wait
i think this is called insecurity
i'm insecure
but when she gave me a call
n when i heard her voice
i calmed down
i didnt feel like blogging suddenli
n when she mentioned the three words to me
i felt at peace
tears swell in my eyes now
coz i feel the irony
that i am not ready n i know it
but i fear
i am terrified
that if i made her wait too long
will she stop waiting?
will she let me go once n for all?
n neva look back?
this is my nightmare
my one fear
that pushes me to do anitin to hold on to her

i love you.....

2009-04-11T21:23:00.000-07:00

yst was the 11th april
a saturday
a beautiful sunny and hot dae to start with
n the members of the bbq pit C-23 were having fun like we never had b4
here they are...

haris (stickman)
arvin (belly boy)
hamid (hairboy/bucktooth)
teck sheng (cina boi)
aslam (chimpanzee)
allon (silent jackass)
marvin (jackass also)
martha (balet girl)
liyana (miss cutie)
huda (hockey keeper?)
edah (woodlands?)
hidayah (TOOT!!!)
hawa (miss lovely)

the whole dae was fun
it rained
abit sour when the rain stopped
everibodi's stuff got wet so like sum angry like that
no matter
went to eat at bpp
nothing much reali
haha
thats boud it
jus had alot of fun

P.S i got screwed the most yst......

2009-04-10T01:35:00.000-07:00

i'd like everione to know that this gal has a new blog
u noe the gal i talked about in my recent post
haha
here's her link http://www.all-about-wea.blogspot.com/
plz tag her alright
n dun forget to tag me too

orite lets move on to my dae
woke up to a lazy morning
sat up n took a moment to think
what shall i do todae?
there's dishes to wash
popo to take care of
prayers to complete
my frens to meet

i cant wait for tomoro
to meet her
gona fetch her and go to ECP
kinda excited
kinda nervous
but why the hell am i feeling that way?
i wonder
maybe because of what i've been through before
n what of the things she has told me
nvm i'll have my confidence

i want to recall a moment
it was a wednesdae
there was me, martha, haris n aslam
so we were talking aboud our regrets
n i told them that i regretted aboud having a gf
n then martha questioned me
saeing that it means that i did not give my all that was why i was regretting
that was not entirely true
i regretted of the mistakes i made
immatured decisions
unthinkable actions
unresonable answers i gave
i regretted all that
but i did not regret having her by my side
her presence
her aura
she is the best thing that happened in my life story n will be in the future

but i was thinking
if i hadnt done all that mistakes
i would not have learnt
if i hadnt learn
i would not have move
n stayed there like a rock on the sidewalk
martha if u are reading this post
i wana take back my ans aboud regretting having a gf
my ans now aboud the most regrettable thing in my life is this

changing myself n not staying put with the change
instead after changing i became hu i was b4 again
not once, not twice
but over n over again
this is not onli regarding me n her
but everthing else
home
school
work
this is my number 1 regret
change
there u go

so on with the show
i went riding with ma frens
from bp to jurong bebe!!!!
my legs feel like they jus got up from a long slumber n made to do heavy physical training!!!
but it felt good
so good i feel damn tired
but the exp
damn power
shiok
learnt a few skills on riding n other stuff
that' all for todae!!!1

2009-04-09T03:01:00.000-07:00

isnt it funny that when ur bored
u start thinking negative
like things that arent suppose to be dere like pops up in ur mind?
i had that the whole dae
n when especially ur insecure
u duno hu to trust
wad to do
wad to think
frens hu have been with u for so long
n u start thinking aboud all the things u've done with them
n then suddenli u had this wicked thought
boud how bad he could he or she would have become
backstabbing u
spreading rumors aboud u
i find it funny and at the same time ironic
at how human emotions n feelings are created such a way
that we can neva truly be sure of sumthing
its the modern world
technology gave us many things to keep us occupied
yet right here i'm laughing like an idiot writing a post aboud how bored i am
haha
its reali funny
i was thinking u see
like there was this certain sumone who kept msging me everitime that person's bored
i would like tell that person off n like keep on playing games
n how frustrated that person was
perhaps disappointed
but i can truly understand why now
n i'm laughing aboud it

n then there was this other thought
then when ur bored
perhaps u can use it to reflect aboud sumtin
u dun have to think aboud problems
reflect
think aboud wad have u done so far
the sins u did
embarassments
sweet memories
love
to me boredom gives u time to think aboud ur life for abit other then gettin preoccupied all the time
alwaes bein busy with stuff
games especially for me

as for me
its been awhile i've been playing games
bcoz it jus lost its attraction
i get bored after playing games even for a little while
i look for socialism
looked for frens
new ppl to hangout with
but that cost me my well-being with my mum
who keeps nagging coz i alwaes go out
gotta balance u noe
haha
n yet
yst was still the happiest dae in my life
i wished for more time with her
but i cant be a small boi all the time n keep asking for wishes
gotta fight for it u noe
patience
peserverence
everithing counts
maybe everione has their own views
this is mine

i remember askin frens on 3 qns
life or death?
love or frens?
life partner or companion?
i had one hu saes that each of the above occurs during our lifetime
another was life, frens n companion
bcoz b4 love there's frens
and b4 life partner there was companion
my ans was exactly as the latter as i have had experienced it
i had a fren before love
and a companion before a partner fo life
i wish all that back now
sumthings
are jus fate i guess
if i hadnt separated
i wouldnt have learnt sum important lessons
if i hadnt met her yst
i would have not known how she felt
and if i hadnt styled my hair like i did yst
sumone wouldnt have saw me as edward cullen look alike (granted it was jus the hair)
i'm smiling right now
a wide one
haha
what else to post i do not know
so i guess i'll stop here

an undescribed feeling

2009-04-08T08:03:00.000-07:00

todae
i went to hawa's SYF dance show at the university cultural centre (UCC) at NUS
she was beautiful n graceful
i told myself to look at her showcase as a whole group
but i couldnt
my eyes was locked on her and onli her
she was amazing

but tonite i am not talking aboud her SYF
its aboud wad we talked aboud at 9pm under her block
throughout this post tears will be rolling down my cheeks n i will not doubt it
we talked aboud her stress
home, studies n then me
i thought leaving her could give her one less problem
but it got worst

i have alwaes asked myself
hu am i to her?
so i asked her the same exact qns

her answers were heartwarming and heartbreaking

n then she asked me the same qns
but i couldnt answer
i told her at 1st i loved her but am willing to let her go
but after awhile i find that i could not let her go
whenever i asked myself questions regarding her and i couldnt come up with an answer immediately,
i told myself it means that i'm not ready

so i was walking her to her house
we stopped and spoked a little
n then we locked eyes
n she then kissed my hand like she alwaes did to show her love
n i kissed her forehead to show mine
at that same moment i felt sumtin flowing through my body
at that point of time tears start swelling in my eyes
n she was oready crying and shaking
i couldnt bare to see her cry nor let her see me cry
so i turned her around and gave her a little push
while i stood at a corner n cried
more tears could have fallen but i said a little prayer n pulled myself together
n then walked off with muhaimin

the sensation when she kissed my hand set off a spark
there was an undescribed feeling coursing through my veins
it felt like an eternity
n when i kissed her forehead
it felt like another eternity
it was sumtin i wanted to do for what seems like forever
to kiss her on her forehead n give her my blessings n my sincerest love

right now i wana pour my feelings out n tell her who is she to me

siti hawa binte mohamad haniff
i loved u n i still love u
u have showed me many things ever since we left each other
u were my teacher, my lover, my partner, my fren
sum1 hu took care of me, concerned aboud me, neav gave up on me
i dreamt of achieving many things with u
but i did not fight for it
i did not realise what was becoming of me
i knew that u still loved me
that idea gave me support and the strength to move on
but not hope
i did not hope
i told myself not to find another
n change for the better
that i am willing to come back to u if onli u wished of it
but when i saw u with another
my heart wobbled
my strength failed
my mind went haywire
but i was able push on
since then i was confused aboud hu i was to u
i was not sure of what to do animore
until todae
u told me of what u felt aboud me
it was heartwarming n yet saddening
i have neva been happier ever since we separated

i love u hawea
n i miss u badly

2009-04-05T22:11:00.000-07:00

lets start with fridae n wad happened

woke up at 12 went prayers with farhan n members

met haris hamid aslam there

i had a few plans that dae

1. was to go out with firhan to west mall to catch a movie

2. go out with farhan n members to cineleisure to catch a movie also

3. help haris paint his sister's room

as i calculated the amount of money i have and the time

i chose number three

paint haris's sister's room

aslam was dere

and kishaan came along but not for long

he was dere for like 30 minutes b4 he had to go swimming in his speedos with his dad

so he went off leaving me, haris n aslam

n we started moving furnitures n started painting

it was me and aslam's 1st time painting so at 1st it was kinda awkward but then

it was kinda fun

nope it was damn fun

his parents made us sandwiches

me and aslam were like pigs

eatin all in like one gulp lol

my fren latifah came by to give us sume brownies

it was quite good

aslam n haris liked it too

thx ifa!!!

we finished painting at aboud 8 plus

i head off to bukit batok east CC

to meet hawa to get my camera for chalet but sadly the chalet got canceled and postponed to 14th april

nothing much happened afterwards

lookin forward to hawa's SYF dance show hehe

saturdae i woke up early to yew tee to play soccer with my frens

it was fun haha

n then nothing much happened to talk aboud

sundae i got sick so i was asleep most of the time

CHOWZ

2009-04-02T07:59:00.000-07:00

sumthing striked me yst nite after religious class
sumthing that got me awe-struck, silenced me like duct tape over my mouth
i do not know wad is this feeling i have but i was veri glad my aunt mentioned it
so here it goes

all this emotions flowed thru my body, mind and heart with just one word

reponsibility

my 1st reaction was to process the meaning of it
as we all noe responsibility is based from the word reponsible
reponsible means to take blame for things u have done
to be able to answer for the actions u have done whether good or bad
well u all noe rite

but for me
i blacked out
my mind went blank
i asked my self. 'wad is responsibility?'
n i could not answer
have i been responsible b4?
again i could not answer

when ur responsible
u think b4 reactin
u understand consequences of ur actions
n u make decisions based on ur reponsibilities
i could not think of a time and place when i had been responsible
no evidence strong enuff to prove that i was

i asked myself
when i keep skipping school was i bein responsible?
when i scolded sum1 without ani reason was i bein reponsible?
was i bein reponsible when i didnt fetch my sister from sch?

my mind is filled with a gas similar to a smokescreen where u cant think clearly
i am confused
my aunt believed that if ur matured that is where u are responsible

i remembered my fren firhan telling me to think b4 reacting
he said
will u upset ur mum if u went home late?
what will happen if u go out without telling her?

thats taking responsibility towards ur actions rite?

yst
i used my laptop till 4 or 5am in the morning
my dad caught me awake dat late
so he got angry with me

wad aboud that
i didnt think he would wake at that time to check on me
is that responsibility?
i didnt think of the consequences if i stayed up late
i asked myself
why?
why cant i have that mindset
n i believe that this resulted me in hurting sum1 veri badly
i want to make a difference
i sae things that i dont do

haris u said i'm a loser n i noe ur joking
but from my view u were bein honest at the same time
i guess i am
but i'm trying to make a difference

i have done many irresponsible actions in the past
why didnt i learn from each mistake i made
n yet when i tried, i went back to my old self again
where is this maturity?
where is this responsible mindset hidden?
has life been too easy for me?
was i that spoiled?
does it have sumtin to do with how i lead my life?
the problems i faced?
the people i meet?

i met sum1 hu thought of others
hu thought of family
hu chose them over sumthing she loved above all others
n i could not understand why
why was that person doin so
why are they so important
i believe there are mani reasons
but right now and for sure
was that the person was bein reponsible
n strived do wads rite
n yet
i could not understand
yet i hurt that person
yet i threw tantrums
vulgarities, words that could hurt sum1 like hell
again n again n again
in the end that person could not take it animore
i left me

n i took time to understand
a veri long time
i do not even noe if i understand fully rite now

but i will make a difference
in myself
for myself
n let everione see how i've changed
with God's will
Insyaallah

i'm sori if i said a few words that might have hurt anione in the process
i am still confused

2009-04-01T09:21:00.000-07:00

todae i woke up to a restless afternoon
and kinda boring
watch video eat blah blah blah
i'm happy my appetite is back again and i keep feelin hungry
eat eat eat
hope to get sum meat on my body
so aniwaes i msged my cousin afiqah aka fifi
asked her if she want to like lepak with me then folo me fetch my sister from sch
surprisingly she agreed!
veri difficult to ask her out at times
so we walked and talked aboud all kinds of stuff
from bf/gf to frens to our family
njoyed talking to her
after fetching my sister we walked back home together
she lives in the same block as me
so we went off separately to our own home sweet home
i went for religious class at woodlands
during class fifi msged me saeing she's like so bored then wana meet me then go bukit panjang plaza aka bpp
so met her at bus stop then talk and walk
she went to top up her ppd then go buy drink at 7-11 then go home
nyiahaha nothing much
thats aboud it for my dae

2009-03-31T09:18:00.000-07:00

ok
todae i woke up a little bit earlier
11 am
like WOW rite
i play play abit with my new fon
then i stayed home n cleaned the hse
i cleaned my pet hamster named popo
his cage that is
change his food, water and bedding
i gave him a bath
n my favourite part is hair drying him
haha
cute bugger
my fren hidayah wants to meet him
so eager ask me bring dwn to bbq
then after that i chat online for abit
got to noe haris n my buddies making chalet next week!!!
monday to wed
3 daes 2 nites!!!
rock on!!!
cant wait
aniwaes don think i goin pulau ubin this sat
none of my frens goin
then the guy hu invite me like i jus met him
n he bringing his frens
so like i scared kena beaten up
its not like i noe kung fu for self-defense u noe
NGENG!!
so i look forward to next week
then wednesdae goin home at 10am
then i goin hawa's syf show
she's been putting alot of effort in that dance
and i wana see n support her
its gona be great
so like i'm packed uh next week
haha
but its gona be fun
haha
at night i went to religious class at my aunties hse
then had a chat with her n my cuzzie
then chow home
met my bro under the block with my other cuzzies
then tok tok play cards then chow home
yippee

P.S popping and locking is cool

2009-03-30T10:18:00.000-07:00

so todae(aboud an hour ago)
i wake up as usual after 12pm
then my father didnt go to work take leave
saeing he take leave to buy me fone
excuses
okok
then go out at aboud 2
then go bugis makan at raffles hospital banquet
then makan makan
then finish!
then walk walk to bugis junction
hang around blah blah
then at 3 plus go meet my grandfather at eunos
then he fetch us in his black hyundai matrix
then go his terrace at pasir ris
then i play around with grey who is my uncle's cat imported from england
a fluffy grey cat with brilliant bright yellow eyes
which makes u wana poke them out and preserve them as marbles
aniwaes at the terrace eat summore
then chat with the sweet maid
auntie rimah
veri sweet lady
haha
then watch soccer abit (ifa will be shocked to hear this one)
2 games which got italy and argentina in it
then lepak there lepak here
i didnt do my prayers coz like lazy like that
but then i regret zzz
nyiahahaha
afiq can be bad at times
haha
then all set to go mustafa to buy my NOKIA 5800 EXPRESS MUSIC
my dear fren farhan cnfirm jealous to know i got this fon
HAHAHAHAHA
I FEEL SO EVIL
aniwaes i think i'm bein spoiled by my dad
haha
jus lost my SAMSUNG OMNIA
n 2 weeks later i got another fon
sheesh
i think i shud go to jail or sumtin (no link i noe i noe)
then had a fite with my mum
super sad
when back home
she so angry
then i so sad sia
then go pray cooldown
then talk to hawa on msn
then i cry at the same time
aiyo
hmm
aniwaes
sad part finish
thx hawa :)
then chat with aqilah
my sports camp fren
we decided to go watch movie next thurs
we were suppose to like have a sports camp team gathering on sundae
then both of us cant make it
coz i goin fishing she goin out with her MI frens
then we talk talk
talk ifa
then i play with my fon
then play game
etc etc
then now i typing arh
PUBLISH POST U NOE

i want to end with poem
so here it goes

tonite is the night where i'll be bouncin
rite to the place where ppl jump in
we roll n drop like stinking raisins
THIS IS LAME
WHEN ARE WE STOPPIN?

i duno how i duno why
but if u tink its lame
tag me
thx mate
wooty booty mushroom soggy!!

2009-03-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

yst was BORING
till night came
me, my mum n my 2 younger siblings dzikri and najihah
and my mum's frens which consist of parents n their 3 children
one of them was rizal
his a year younger then me
goin to ite simei
i made a new fren
then we went to ECP to eat
sedap
makan nasi ayam
then go fishing
i neva tired but want to try
rizal thought me how to reel in
jus by doin that
the most basic of fishing
i had lots of fun
then he invited me to pulau ubin this sat for a one night stay fish!!!
ape lagi
grab the chance arh
i inviting my frens
but they havent cnfirm
if they neva go also i still go
once in a lifetime
chey
btw the stars that nite
amazing
maybe not the most beautiful but still
but sumthing was amiss
everithing was perfect except there was no one there to be with me
that drilled a hole in me
i was lonely i guess
then ifa msged me then
at least got fren lol
thx again ifa
hehe
then we went to eat
at bedok there
the iced teh cino power sia
then the fish n chips and the cheese fries
fuyoh
sedap kepe
hingga menjilat pinggan mangkuk sendok cawan garpu sudu!!!
tapi tak dapat abez
bcoz all full
then packet bring home
oh ya
my mum ordered thosai
then she eat eat then suddenly got spatula
under the thosai
SPATULA SIOL
tkle angkat
all laugh2
haha
funi sial
then my mum brought home a cup as souvenir
haha
nakal shioi
then all tired then go home
Zz Zz
wee wee oink oink bluekk

2009-03-27T09:35:00.000-07:00

today neva go prayers
zzzzzzz
haris arh ask me to tag along
to buy a shoe in a crappy place at CHINESE GARDEN
then go dere no sizE
then go home!!!!!!!!1
like WTH
zzzz
shudda gone prayers T_T
nvm
then i go folo my members go ITE dover
escort sir yasir mairi for registration
his skool arh
then all hapi have fun
then i introduced the game 'BALL-GAZER'
haha
its like the ok sign
if u look at it then kena punch arh
i kena many times todae
but i think the best was by haiqal arh
the shit thingie
nakal sak
abeh 3 kene punch
lolz
haha
ferek arh nari
then all like this small small sweet sweet gal
she had a beg with 'i like it small' on it
haha
lolz
damn shiok
then go back bp
eat at kopitiam
then smoke2
then all go my block
then i go bring down my brothers's old old bike
ask hakeem to check
jus nit to change the tyre tube arh
sway bo
then all go home
then i meet farhan
then we go bukit batok CC
the rest go riding
then i meet my bros
muhaimin n hanafi
had a long tok with hanafi
then with muhaimin barely tok
haha
tkpe haha
then go home meet my sexy cousin fifi(afiqah)
farhan excited to meet her
HAHA GATAL!!!
then tok tok
kimice i gerek bual ngan fifi
ajak lepak gerek tapi susah dier nak angkat pantat
aniwaes after go home then i did my prayers with my bro
the chat on da laptop
lolz
okok
CHOWZ

2009-03-26T08:12:00.000-07:00

todae was interesting
i went out with latifah and her 3 cousins
nurul aini, firdaus and iman
people hu i barely met and oready goin out together
it was so damn interesting arh
we met at causeway point
they were late except iman hu waited for an hour for us
lol
i met firdaus and aini 1st
aini was like shocked to see me
fir was all smiles
n i
well
i was smiling too
then latifah came
haha
bawak beg siol
tak perlu
haha
then all look for iman
check2 ntah die gi mane ntah
haha
abeh majok tunggu 1 jam haha
then all go take 963 to hortpark
from dere walk walk to henderson waves
then go to the cable car place dere arh
then go sit in the cable car take picture all
but pic not with me ar ppl sori
hmm then walk walk till harbourfront
then i go money changer
change 30 malaysian ringgit get 12 dollars dok
stingy siol
lolz
then lepak then all sae i stress coz neva smoke
wth
then aini sae bcoz i neva smile
hmm must train smiling
reali sia
i thought it was the eyes
actually its the mouth hmmm
okok o train my smile
jeng jeng
i dun wana look stresss
seriously
then all go wait for 963 at interchange
then tok tok
then suddenli i asked myself hu are these ppl?
lolz i was like wow i'm goin out with strangers
hu i seemed to have known for so long
now thats the kind of ppl i wana see more in the future
its veri interesting to meet new ppl
i cannot judge ani of them coz i jus met
except for ifa uh
but i wan know more of them n keep in contact
i met ifa 1st
lol
thx to ifa i met more ppl
thx ifa
i reali wan to meet more ppl in the future
yippeee oink oink (isap rokok neva die!!)

2009-03-25T05:18:00.001-07:00

todae i woke up late as usual lol
haha
went for religious classes to read the quran
i'm at chapter 3
weeee
so like i nid a spare
not need arh
jus its a neccessaty
erm
after religious lepak abit at my aunt hse
then ate her ayam masak lemak
fuuu sedap
then go down smoke then go home
lolz
like onli arh my dae

2009-03-24T09:07:00.000-07:00

i'm sittin here on my bed staring at each other like alwaes
why can i top touching u?
why can i stop thinking boud u?
why cant detach myself frm u?
oh my love
ur my one n onli
oh my ACER TRAVELMATE 5720
I LOVE YOU
haha

i havent been blogging for awhile
but feel like it tonite
the night is as alwaes romantic
as alwaes i loved stargazing and tonite there were sum clouds
quite alot actually
and i see a star
i kept smiling bcoz
usually when i'm out i'll stop
look up
and look for a star
and i know there will be one star
jus for her
n tonite i saw one
ohh how beautiful it is
agaisnt the nite sky
the maroon clouds against the beautiful horizon through my window
like the star
she is the onli i see
the onli one for me
the one i love and will alwaes love

i went out todae with firhan and his 2 frens
watched 'coming soon'
the suspense power
shiok arh
then lepak2
eat abit
then my mother call started shouting
sae y i neva fetch my sister frm school
kimice i neva said i wanted to fetch her sia
haix
aniwaes
good dae turned bad
then go home nid fetch my brother from tuition
form that ulu place by the highway
zzzzz
mandoksai (troublesome)
hmmmm
aniwaes
she msged me 1st
saeing thank you for the encouragement i gave her
i was grateful
i said welcome
haha
thanks gal
well
my fon was taken by my mum
bcoz its her fren's fon
maybe the fren wants it back
or........
she angry with me
duno arh
lol?
aniwaes
thats all for todae
if i sae everi thing also take forever

2009-02-26T21:21:00.000-08:00

whoa.. i havent sign in to my blog for so long i 4got the password.. took me hours to sign in again n tried different passwords n username combinations i could remember.. i got ELTECH exam to dae.. my repeat module.. reali boring.. all my frens has finished their exams except me.. dammit.. so bored..

21st january, wednesday

2009-01-21T05:31:00.001-08:00

i think i wana start blogging
cause like my baby said it helps out with stress and other problems (thanks baby)
so i'm gona start off my blog with what happened todae

i was suppose to have a 8o'clock make-up lesson for my hip-hop sw lesson
but was damn damn sleepy i couldnt wake up
aniwaes my real class starts at 11am
far rite 8 and 11 am
heart pain
but its ok
coz i want to do better in attendance this semester
and study a little bit more
my main goal is attendance
evvery single dae
even if i'm late i have to be dere
thats my goal

aniwaes
class started with the boring digital electronics and the buddhist-looking, red-eyed, sloppy-lookin teacher
and onli think i like about that class is my fren devan
funni bastard
makes me laugh so bad i could vomit out my stomach
he's a reali good guy
but a little bit bastard arh

once finished with that lesson i had maths
no comments though

then i went to meet my closest frens in poly
we went to play DOTA
and as usual i was owning
LOL

then i and firhan went to smoke in the school toilet which was like totally illegal
but hu cares
need to smoke u noe

and then the dae passed by
my baby went to queensway to make a CCA shirt
n i had an ELTECH retest
my fourth time taking the paper
DAMN
i hate studying
but oh well

n then i went home with 3 frens n smoked again
once reached home i ate alot coz i was hungry
then i had to wash the toilet
zzzz

so erm
thats that i guess
nothing else to sae

haris b'dae

2009-01-10T21:26:00.000-08:00

kiwak
damn fun siol
super freakin fun
sori uh jus join blogging
wana try try oni